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Someone I Love Has An Alcohol Problem |
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The drinker's family are often the forgotten people. While a great deal of attention is being focused on the drinker, the needs of the family can be missed. Often their needs are more acute even than the drinker's. |
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The family may live in poor financial circumstances. The home life itself may be deprived both physically and emotionally. The strain of living with a drinker may lead to depression and other emotional problems. They may be the victims of physical or emotional abuse, for example, both child abuse and domestic violence can be associated with alcohol abuse.
In such circumstances it is quite understandable that a family will attempt to cover up the problem. They may pretend to the rest of the world that all is well. If the drinker is hungover, they may ring up his/her work and make excuses. If bills come in, they may pay them from their own resources rather than reveal that the drinker is penniless. They may clear up after the drinker. They may provide meals at odd times. On occasions they may even buy alcohol to placate the drinker.
To help themselves and help the drinker, this pattern of collusion with the drinker’s behaviour must change. Instead of protecting the drinker, the family members must look at protecting themselves.
If a family is to get through to the drinker, they will need a calm and honest approach. Abuse does not work. Threats and blackmail are pointless. This is especially so if the threats are not carried through. It is no good saying “I will leave you if you don’t do the dishwasher”, if the threat is not going to be carried out. The approach must be on a clear, concise and appropriate contractual basis. The sanction must be appropriate and one which the family can carry out.
The family must decide what they will accept and what they will not accept from the drinker. They must set limits as to what they are prepared to do and what they will not do for the drinker. This not only helps the family, but it can also help the drinker.
These are big steps. They are very difficult to carry out alone. The family member will need a lot of support and encouragement. It is worth considering an alcohol counselling agency or Al-Anon - a twelve step group for the families of drinkers.
SADAS offers help to both family members and the person with the drug or alcohol problem. Contact us if you want information on the help available.
Other services in Surrey can also offer help and advice for family members. Click here to find your nearest service:
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